Well it has been some time since I posted on my blog -the shop blog has had two posts but I want to keep that seperate. I have been hit hard with depression over the past few weeks, one of the worst boutsI have had and I felt desperate at times. The anti-depressants the doctor prescribed I didn't take, not suggesting that anyone else should not take theirs but I'm tired of pills so I decided against the orders to take them and to 'just get on with it' and although I am still fragile emotionally things are better and I'm getting back on with it. I am always trying to project myself outwards, this time just couldn't. I thank god for my friends who were there for me and my husband even though he doesn't understand from an 'insiders' point of view, he will do the practical things like cook wash up and walk the dog as well as working full time. Lying in bed with the covers over my head wanting the world to go away and crying non stop with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness is how it went, how do you explain that? The past has a big part to play in these feelings. I might write about it one day but reliving it may make things worse,at the same time perhaps it would help, but right now it just makes me feel vulnerable. I also have personal family stresses which Ican't talk about which puts enormous strain on me and my husband. I have a double doctors appointment coming up with a new surgery and am being sent to the hospital for tests, they think it is fybromyalgia as everything points to that in fact they have said it is but it needs to be diagnosed properly. The pain is enough to make anyone depressed apart from anything else. Right now it isn't too bad, always there but bearable. the thing is you never know where you are going to feel the pain one day it will be in my jaw and the next it could be down my entire right side, last week i couldn't walk without a limp because of the pain in my thigh. I look healthy, there are no outward signs and to keep talking about it is a complete bore to everyone around you, living with it is hard, so I hope soon to get some treatment. There is no cure apparently but there are ways of managing the pain. So I will wait and see and hopefuly someone can help me. Meanwhile it is a lovely day so am planning a day out tomorrow, perhaps take a packed lunch and take my camera which has been sadly neglected recently, get the pastels out and paint a picture? i don't know but at least i feel like I am living again. Went and met gtwo mates yesterday for coffee, sat outside in the sun, went and had a browse in the shops, bought a pair of ethnic style flip flops for flip flopping around in the sun and they look very smart only three quid and a towel bale for my son who has just moved into a flat, five pounds! That made me smile:D