Had another session with the counsellor today. Had made a promise to myself to hold it together this time,to not cry.

All was well, untill he asked how i was coping with my loss, for those of you who don't know, i lost my brother,niece and cousin on march 7th.

My tears flowed freely as i explained that i am ashamed that i feel anger towards my brother. How can you miss someone so much, but be so angry at them at the same time?

Im angry at him for taking the heart out of my family, angry at him for leaving me, for dying,for putting my mother through so much pain. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to bury your own child. Life will never be the same again, and i know that i can't change things,or is it that im angry at myself for not doing more?

The counseller told me that it's normal to be angry when a loved one dies,but it just does'nt feel right. i wish i could grieve normally.

I remember walking in to the mortuary with my father to identify 'the body' as they say. Praying that they had made a mistake,and looking at him,lying there,and saying ''What am i going to say to mum?''

I went over and over it in my head,looking for the right words to say, i did'nt need them. I walked in,she looked at me, and she just knew. I swear i heard her heart break.

I won't go on and bore you, i just felt that by telling you this, you may understand the reason behind my depression, which i will beat.

Take care xx