The Mask I Wear

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

-----author unknown and it has been published in a number of books and on the web.

For everyone who's feeling low and alone! Remember there's always someone here for you.

A HUG

A hug is something
That I want to share
A hug is a touch
To show that I care
A hug is the warmth
Of holding you near
A hug is to show
That you’ve nothing to fear
A hug is for giving
A hug is for two
A hug is something
I give freely to you.

©Marian Barker

I was watching The One Show this evening, and the first item pricked my ears.
It was about how exercise can be theraputic as a treatment for depression, so I tracked down the link:

Why is it that I get myself established in something then all of a sudden I retreat into a corner and then disconnect myself from it?? I have friends but once I feel they are getting too close I withdraw. Why!!!

I really can't seem to work this one out.

Having a down day today. Not sure why to be honest either, I have had a lovely weekend but just feel very stressed and panicy!

Hi.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I find this very helpful, so thought i would share.

xx

Hi just a quick post from me - if anyone has not heard of EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique it is an excellent method of coping with emotional issues and is done with a series of tapping techniques on energy nodes on the body, mainly face chest and hands. I had a couple of sessions and found it very helpful it is a recognised therapy or treatment, the one purported by Paul Mckenna and it can help you with all sorts of things not just depression, lack of confidence, weight loss etc is non invasive and safe. You can buy books to learn to do it yourself and you can go and see a practitioner -about £30.00 for a session. Once you know the routine you go off and do it yourself. My sister was helped enormously with this when she was nursing a broken heart and quite bad depression.

Another favourite of mine is Bach Flower remedies, each flower essence is for a different range of emotional issues, anyone who thinks this is wacky, try it, it cured me of serious OCD and if I get the feeling it's returning I buy a bottle of Cherry Plum and I'm fine within hours -this is after years of suffering. OCD is a serious anxiety disorder usually triggered by stress.

Have you ever attended a group therapy session? I'm currently in the middle of a series of anxiety management sessions...

If you've never been to a group therapy thing, you might have a misguided idea of what goes on... for instance, I had some strange concept that I'd be in a room full of strangers, all looking slightly embarrassed and me on my feet standing up and saying "Hi. My name is John and I'm one of the crazies!"

The reality of the situation was rather different... more like one of the group sessions as portrayed by 'Mad' Jack Nicholson and his fellow actors in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Trust me, if you've never seen that film, rent it... it's brilliant and in many respects closer to the truth than you might believe.

So anyway, I always come away from these group sessions feeling as though someone has been messing with my head. As though I've been abused in some way. Like maybe I've had my feelings groped by some raving sex-fiend!

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying all group work is bad, just that my particular group doesn't seem to be working for me. The dynamics of the group are such that the dominant personalities completely overpower the rest, including the leader, so we always end up talking about the same things...

Group therapy is supposed to help, but I always leave feeling annoyed, frustrated and knackered...

I'd be interested to hear the views of others on the whole group therapy thing.

Had another session with the counsellor today. Had made a promise to myself to hold it together this time,to not cry.

All was well, untill he asked how i was coping with my loss, for those of you who don't know, i lost my brother,niece and cousin on march 7th.

My tears flowed freely as i explained that i am ashamed that i feel anger towards my brother. How can you miss someone so much, but be so angry at them at the same time?

Im angry at him for taking the heart out of my family, angry at him for leaving me, for dying,for putting my mother through so much pain. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to bury your own child. Life will never be the same again, and i know that i can't change things,or is it that im angry at myself for not doing more?

The counseller told me that it's normal to be angry when a loved one dies,but it just does'nt feel right. i wish i could grieve normally.

I remember walking in to the mortuary with my father to identify 'the body' as they say. Praying that they had made a mistake,and looking at him,lying there,and saying ''What am i going to say to mum?''

I went over and over it in my head,looking for the right words to say, i did'nt need them. I walked in,she looked at me, and she just knew. I swear i heard her heart break.

I won't go on and bore you, i just felt that by telling you this, you may understand the reason behind my depression, which i will beat.

Take care xx

... If i can say the things i really want to say here....Can i be that open....i fear being judged for being weak....

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like living with a depressive. Frustrating, certainly... and pretty damn depressing I'd have thought.

No, seriously, I'm not taking the piss... as a depressive I know my mood swings can be quite extreme and very rapid. For those around me, this means never really knowing which Usky will appear at any given time.

I've been fairly irascible for years; being grumpy or quick tempered doesn't make you a depressive of course, but it is something most people can associate with. I've always had the ability to go up like a sky-rocket when something upset me, but whereas my temper shot heavenwards to be followed almost immediately by a cooling off to a very low simmer when I was well, things are rather different nowadays. My mood swings may last a few hours, a few days, weeks...

If you live with a depressed person, or know someone who is suffering from depression, exercising extreme patience will be greatly appreciated. The temptation to turn to a depressive and say "For God's sake, pull yourself together! Snap out of it and stop wallowing" or something similar is huge... I know, I've been there too. But if you want the truth, those are the last things a depressive wants or needs to hear.

If getting over depression was as easy as simply "snapping out of it" there wouldn't be any depressed people. Believe me when I tell you, we don't want to feel the way we do. A chemical imbalance in the brain forces this on us and there is nothing we can do to "pull ourselves together."

On a good day I appear completely normal. On a bad day I'm a very different person.

They say one in four of the population will suffer a mental illness in their lifetime. Thankfully, most make a full recovery. And don't be fooled; depression is a mental illness just like breaking a limb is a physical illness.

Suffering from depression doesn't make me a "nutter" though and the stigma that surrounds mental illness is something else that's unhelpful. You can think what you like, but please don't name call, titter behind your hand or tip the wink to your mates when a sufferer passes you on the street. We're still human and deserve to be treated with dignity. Being mentally ill shouldn't take that away from us.

I see depression from a depressed person's point of view. I know how I feel and I know how others like me feel. I'd really like to hear from anyone out there who has to cope with a depressive in their life; it would be good for me (and others no doubt) to try and see things from both sides of the fence. Any offers?